Day 72/100

Someone called me selfish today. Someone said I’m too dominant , also said I always want things to go my way. But Is that what I really am ? No.

I’ve spent years trying to build a guard , I wouldn’t sit and watch you tear it all down all in the name of loving me. I’ve refused to let my guards down. Not because I don’t want love, but because love these days cost a whole lot. Selfishness became my survival instincts from almost everything, but I wouldn’t call it selfishness, I’d call it self preservation.

Self preservation, My Only Survival Instinct

I learned to keep my hands closed

before I learned to hold them out.

Selfishness was the first door

that wouldn’t let me starve.

It whisper gently take, or be taken.

Save, or be spent.

So I choose the smaller death

the one that leaves me breathing.

Not proud of it. Just honest.

When the world gives nothing, selfishness gives me.

And that, for now, is enough to stay alive.

And this is the reason it feels that way. I learnt to live on my terms, I learnt to give myself what the world couldn’t give me. Forgive me if you feel intimidated by how much I love myself or how inaccessible I am at this point, or how less of a friend I am to you. Forgive me if you do not understand how my life works because all of these is what makes me functional.